I used to be someone who kept my feelings to myself as I found it hard to express them in words. And I’ve never been one for being strong in a confrontation. I retreat back into myself, and don’t say half the things I want to. So I found a way of expressing myself on paper. I’m able to extract what is in my brain and heart by being alone in a safe space and writing it all down.
I get really nervous when starting something new and I can be a big overthinker (I’m getting better with this but am still on my journey) but never have I felt anxious to see someone and fear what might happen.
It’s been a hard year (for all) and I’ve endured so much. However the hardest thing has been a close relationship I lost and not being able to see someone I love so much.
I’ve had to analyse the way I share something or how I say something, had to think is this the right thing or is this the wrong thing. Are they going to take this the right way or the wrong way? Are they going to see how I feel or just think about their own feelings and not consider others. I’ve taken abusive/harsh words to which I had to rebuild and protect myself. And put myself out there time and time again to receive nothing back, or not knowing how they’re going to react.
I’ve been commended on my perseverance as well as been told to keep going. Or, just send another message, just go see them. But the people who say that don’t realise how much it takes for me to put myself out there each time. How I have to build myself and mindset up to send that message again and extend the hand, only to not get anything back.
When you genuinely try to mend something and tell someone you do love them despite all that’s happened only for them to not receive it that way and say they dont believe it and think I’m being fake. It chips away at you.
Today I was in town doing some errands when I spotted their car and immediately felt this panic come over me, however as I couldn’t see them I just continued my journey. I walked into a shop and picked up the item I needed then, when I got to the que that’s when I saw them, at the counter talking to the cashier. They didn’t notice me and I went to call them but the words and sound couldn’t leave my mouth. So I did nothing. Then as I left the shop that’s when it truly hit me.
I discovered and felt something I’ve never felt before. And that was that I’ve developed anxiety when it comes to this person and when I see them. Here I was in the middle of town standing behind a pillar hiding, tears streaming down my face, hands shaking all because just seeing this person brings me anxiety. I allowed the emotion to flow for a couple of minutes and acknowledged it and then I took deep breaths, wiped my tears away and said to myself you can do this.
By acknowledging the emotion, feeling through it and then changing my mindset, helped me to carry on my tasks for the day. Being aware of this allows me to dig deep, heal myself from it and eventually be able to confront this person about how they made me feel so that I’m able to move past it.
Do you have anxiety? If you do how do you overcome it?
Jadine Delarose x